Don't forget your horn
There are a few things that smack you in the face when you come to a place like India, which is so far away in terms of western-living.
My main observation is that – or certainly it would appear – there are no rules.
At first, it seems daunting, dangerous even, but you take things with a pinch of salt and get into it. After a few days you adjust, and a few weeks later you barely notice it.
It raises the interesting debate regarding the UK and many other Western countries being ‘nanny states’.
CCTV is an invasion of privacy, smoking laws only benefit the non-smokers, ID cards are a waste of government money, and so on. My stance has always been that all of the above examples are very much needed, will benefit society and the only people bothered by them are the degenerates that are breaking the law in the first place.
The area that concerns India, is the area of blame and litigation. Unfortunately most Western societies are following the American model (for the overall purpose of greed) in that, if something goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault.
One of the best things about the lack of rules here in India is that if you want to, you can do anything. Unbeknown to TheManFromDelMinty, while in Delhi I took a shortcut through a building site. It wasn’t marked off or laden with security and before I knew it, there I was, in the thick of things, but popped out on the other side, much quicker than the long way round.
I know what you’re thinking – that’s not good, it’s stupid, something could have happened. You’d be right. However, the Indian people wouldn’t be filing a case against the building firm – and if they did, I’m sure their response would be something like “you walked into a building site and fell on to some iron piling? What on earth were you doing in there?” With a rather agressive head wobble.
Accidents happen. Yes there are areas all over the place that are unsafe, so, therefore you have to watch what you’re doing. I don’t think this means they want every corner to be a death trap, simply that at home we’re at the other end of the spectrum. “Fall over at work (accidently on purpose) on a slippy floor you shouldn’t have been on anyway, and bang your elbow?” You should definitely tell some insurance scumbag – 6 months off work, that is mate. Now you can definitely take the Mrs to Pontins.
On to the fun part, where in India, the word ‘rule’ has no meaning. The word ‘rule’ does not exist. A world where we can be free, be our own boss, and take life by the balls and say, “I own this, this mutha fritter is mine.” THE ROAD. Observing as I go, I’ve put together a kind of set of rules I think most people go by, in their heads only, of course:
ANIMALS
- Cows can go anywhere they like and should be avoided at all costs;
- Goats, dogs and chickens can be ignored and passed at your chosen speed;
HORN
- Ensure your horn is working and is as loud as possible. If horn is not working, do not travel – you will be knocking on death’s door and inviting him for tea;
- If driving a Rickshaw, do not be perturbed by the fact that your horn has no volume except to driver and passenger, and will often sound like a duck being pressed in a vice
- Use horn at all times: When approaching vehicles, pedestrians, when overtaking, when undertaking, when approaching a corner, when going uphill. Do not be afraid to think of as many uses as possible for your horn. It is your only method of survival
TERRAIN
- Avoid gaping potholes at all costs. If this means radical swerving and being on the wrong side of the road, do not worry. The pothole is more important than a head on collision;
- If you are under 30, all potholes are null and void;
- If you are going downhill, feel free to cut the engine and save precious fuel. If you are going uphill, remember to overtake when you can - more on this later;
OVERTAKING
- When passing another motorist (either side is fine) get as close to the vehicle in front of you as possible, swerve out as soon as the most recent vehicle passes. Do not worry that your vision is obstructed. If there is a bus/tanker coming at speed, you can always swerve back in again. If the other vehicle is of equal or lesser size to you, speed up and drive head on. Something will move. If you have to disturb pedestrians, do not be concerned. Without engines they are lesser mortals. Sound your horn and Shiva will be with you.
- In all instances of passing, ensure horn is depressed at all times
JOINING TRAFFIC
- We are not quite sure what ‘junctions’ are, but if you need to join a new flow of traffic, do not slow down. Ensure horn is pressed, and pull out at your leisure. Other vehicles ‘should’ move for you;
PASSENGERS
- If passengers are Western, it is your choice on where you take them, even if they are aware of the area and know their destination;
- If passengers are Indian, feel free to squeeze as many in as you humanely can. In a rickshaw, 7 or more adults is possible, depending on their size. 14 children of all sizes is also possible;
- If you are carrying cargo, do not worry about strapping or securing your load. Realistically you will have to pay for this, and thus incur more overall cost. Advise here to employ 1-2 small boys to sit on top of cargo;
- If driving motorbike, your limit is 5 passengers. If carrying small child (especially those under 1yr old) ensure they sit as close to the front of bike as possible, preferably on the engine or handlebars. Do not wear any protective clothing or items at all. This will unbalance you and confuse other road users, as well as incurring cost.
IF IN DOUBT
- Sound horn
Rio – what a place to finish a 10 month world tour. It may just be my favourite city ever, and I’ve only just got here. A tad premature, you could say, but hey, we’ve all been there in the face of something beautiful.
